19 Nov Why do we do it?
Why do we let other people’s stuff affect our confidence and self-esteem?
What makes us hold on to the words they say or the actions they take and use that as justification to strengthen our safety blanket of low confidence?
Now I know that might sound harsh and yet I realised a few months ago that it is often because they get us at a vulnerable time, a time when we need that safety blanket to wrap around us because it’s easier than facing the issue head on.
Earlier this year I was going through a bit of a challenging time, you know when you have to make some serious decisions about your life and then act on them? As part of this I had decided to ‘go back out there’ and entered the world of internet dating. For a while everything was ok, I met a few nice guys but nothing ‘clicked’ and then along came a guy called Richard Lawson. He looked lovely, kind face, intelligent eyes. His emails were full of fantastic words. His values seemed to match mine. At first I was cautious and then something in my heart told me to trust so I opened up my emotions.
The reality hit. Richard was not Richard he was a group of scammers who have been targeting woman looking for love and romance for years!
And then the critical inner voice kicked in and wow did I start to beat myself up! Yep a gold medal effort in self-flagellation!
And then I stopped and I realised there was nothing to beat myself up about. I had been vulnerable, I had trusted someone and yes ok I had been gullible so why beat myself up? Why not just step back, accept what had happened (because I certainly couldn’t change it) and see if there was anything to learn from it? So I sat with the emotions for a while and recognised that I was hurt and that I was disappointed and these were appropriate emotions for me to feel but the others weren’t.
So what could I learn? Well one learning was that I opened up to trust too early and completely. Trust is something that is learnt and grows, not something you give completely all at once. Do I looked back – was this a pattern in me? I saw when I had some of those confidence dips in my life and realised it was and it hadn’t served me! It opened me up to hurt and gave my critical inner voice permission to have a field day when my trust was walked over!
So I had a choice to make a change to that pattern.
Well I am in a new relationship and so far, so good (well actually so far, so more than good if I’m honest). And I am taking each day as it comes. I am living in the now of the relationship and because I am honest with myself I can be honest with him and he me. Therefore trust will grow. I trust what I have learnt so far and I trust my own emotions that go along with that. And I feel that, whatever happens, I can protect myself far better.
So what are your patterns? What happens for you to kick that critical inner voice into gear?
Drop me a line at email@example.com and let me know and I may be able to do a free webinar or confidence video to help you and others!
PS – if you have been affected by a dating scam my website www.thelovescam.com is there to help.